Today was a tough day, and that’s okay. I do NOT write this for pity! Once again, I am taking a moment to write because it’s a little stress relief, and I’m hoping my words might reach someone.
Today, I had a panic attack. The signs have been there for days. The end of last week had me fatigued; however, I was lucky enough to spend time with some amazing friends over the weekend and laugh harder than I have in months.
When I got home, though, I was angry. Inexplicably angry. That was the second sign, after the fatigue. My sweet fur babies were just so excited to see me home, but it was all I could do to not throw them into the yard and wish they’d never come back. Yes, you read that right. Me with the insane and slightly unhealthy obsession with my animals. The animals that most of the time keep me from having any sort of emotional break. But their incessant attention drove me to anger. I chalked it up to being tired from the weekend and went to bed.
The third sign was being unreasonably upset about the fact that my students didn’t complete their SOL review packets yesterday. I have never been so angry with myself about school or so disappointed in them. They’re exhausted and need spring break as much as I do, but I was so devastated that they didn’t see the importance of getting that review in with about 5 weeks to go until that test. Luckily for them (and maybe my job security), I checked myself and gently urged them to do better on the next one.
Finally, this evening, I hit rock bottom. The dogs wouldn’t stop roughhousing on the bed, the Firestick wouldn’t play This Is Us, and I couldn’t find the remote anywhere. I just stood there, once again, screaming at my babies who did nothing except be the babies I love every other day. I laid on my bed, got under the covers, and started sobbing.
I felt guilty for yelling at my furry anxiety/depression reducers. I felt like I couldn’t reach out to anyone because there’s no way anyone would understand. I felt like calling into work tomorrow and just sitting in bed all day.
You see, depression and anxiety are funny that way. Your brain tricks you into thinking that you’re the worst thing to ever happen to the world. That no one could ever understand or love you because did you really just have a mental breakdown over a remote!?
I let my brain win about 5% of the time. I know better. I know that I have people who think I have something to give to the world. I know I have many friends and family who would listen to me complain incessantly about anything. I know that it’s not about the freakin’ remote. But this is anxiety.
Tonight I realized I’ve been out of my medication for at least a week, which really explains why my brain is having a field day. Now, I’m not the type to take medicine. I’m the kind who thinks there’s got to be a better way than putting chemicals in your body. Working out, talking with friends, watching Netflix, snuggling my fur babies, and cleaning are all ways I deal with my anxiety and depression. But for the 5% (sometimes more) of the time that my brain gets the best of me, I have that medicine to give me the support I need. I hope you have something that gives you the support you need.
I also realized that I need to pay better attention to the signs and to not be afraid to take care of me! That’s something I struggle with so much, because, if you know me, you know that I strive to take care of others first. But we have got to take care of ourselves first.
So, if you have to take medicine to take care of you, great! If you can combat your mind with exercise, fantastic! If you talk to a therapist or counselor, good for you! If you want to write like me, excellent! And if you’ve ever felt guilty for yelling at someone who’s innocent of doing anything or lost your remote (which was in the drawer of my nightstand, by the way) which caused a breakdown: you’re not alone.
It’s a daily battle when your brain is the thing hurting you, but I can promise you that the tough days can become few and far between if you can be patient with and be gracious to yourself–that’s what I’m telling myself anyway!
Until next time–
❤
oh the places you'll go 